Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
I don’t know who has been following my blog since the beginning, but I started out writing a blog called “Am I Boring You?” Clearly, I cared a lot about what other people thought. That blog is now private and I no longer write there anymore; I imported all of its posts here to this current domain, but some posts have been made private. Most of these posts have to do with my past ED, though it would be unfair to call it that, since it’s not gone.
Hey, looking at it now, the picture's not that bad. But I think I felt bad. I can only imagine what was going through my head - what did I eat that day? Did I do enough mountain climbing? Is sitting on my ass all day on the train going to make me fat? But I will be honest - this wasn't my worst. My worst was the two weeks before my birthday in February.
This picture was taken on a train trip on a trip back to Taiwan back in March 2010. I don’t know. Do I look happy to you?
I remember thinking it was really cold and having to borrow my aunt’s black sweater to stay warm. I remember thinking that I didn’t want the conductor to put the hat on me because I don’t like having my picture taken. I remember thinking how awkward it was, and is, to smile.
Okay. It's not a bad picture either. It's actually my Facebook profile picture. I mean absolutely no offense to Germans or Jews or anyone who might be against the historical figure of Adolf Hitler; I was merely Googling "hitler face" in Chem class and laughing my ass off. Oh, and my friend called him a sexy wildebeest, which accounts for his charisma in his speeches.
Pictures of me don’t usually come out very well. I usually have my mouth open, or have a double-triple-zillion chins, or some other little fault that nobody but me will notice. I like to think that this will change, and that I can create my own memories, not just capture them through my lens.
I’m coming clean, on what I swore was going to be a pure food-blog: this time last year, I had an eating disorder.
This time last year, I weighed ridiculously little.
This time last year, I had no friends and the effects of social withdrawal affect me to this day.
But. Have things changed?
This time this year, I still have an eating disorder.
This time this year, something in the back of my mind is aiming to weigh ridiculously little, and it reflects in my behaviour, thought processes, and daily habits. However, there is also another something in the back of my mind which reminds me to be normal most of the time.
This time this year, I have people I can call friends and people I can have fun with. This time this year, I can wear a Hitler moustache and dance to my own tune of “SEXY, WILDE, BEEST” without caring what people think. This time this year, I can let go of my insanity just a little more, because I can.
Are you tired of me saying “sexy wildebeest” yet? Because I’m not.
I’ll just tell you a story of what I consider to be my turning point in recovery. Since then, I’ve gained weight, gone through many, many episodes of binging, gained too much weight from that, gone into several near-relapses, started and stopped exercise programs, and I still don’t know what to do.
My turning point was my birthday last year.
I remember sitting in my room feeling alone and depressed. The whole world was about to shut down because I had eaten breakfast that day, and my mom was going to make me eat dinner, which was pork noodles, which was against everything I had taught myself at the time. Where were the veggies? In a stir-fry. A stir FRY. It had oil in it, and I didn’t like oil because by then I was already eating so little fat that having too much would make my bowels go crazy. Oh yeah, and oil makes you fat! So I had to eat pork noodles, but I hated it because pork is fat and noodles are carbs, which both make you fat, and my mom was just plotting to make me fat.
Clearly, I was delusional.
I sat in my room doing nothing on my computer, wasting time as usual, at 9pm. I think I decided to go to sleep and forget about the day’s worries. It was my birthday, after all – and nobody had known, because I didn’t tell anybody. I told one person in the morning and they were so surprised. I received one or two hugs throughout the day from someone I barely knew, or even really liked, because they found out it was my birthday. I hated human beings because they were so fake. So what if it was my birthday? Nobody cares. I don’t care. Nobody has to care because I’m all by myself and I can do everything and that means celebrating birthdays is selfish and stupid.
Clearly, I was delusional.
I climbed into bed and tried to sleep. I tried and tried but I couldn’t. My mind was buzzing with nothing, thoughts of logistical data about the day, and what I would do tomorrow. Oh yeah! I would do the exact same thing as I did today. My mom came in — shhhh. I pretended to be asleep. She left, and I was alone again. I wanted her to come in and surprise me with a cake like she had, in 2009 – I came out of the shower to find a cake at the table, with candles and whipped cream and strawberries and it was a really great cake, and I loved it. In 2010, my mom knew I wouldn’t want the cake. So why would she have bothered? Cake makes you fat anyway. So I laid there. And thought about cake. And other things I would cook and cook and bake and bake when I was thin enough so I could eat whatever I wanted and not get fat.
Clearly… I was delusional.
I think I finally understood that.
I really don’t know what was going through my head that night, but I leapt out of bead, put on a jacket, and ran out of the house. My mother wasn’t at home; she had gone out to buy bread or something. I ran to the bakery, but my mom wasn’t there. I checked in other bakeries, but she wasn’t there either. I gave up searching and walked back home, asking the guards if they had seen my mother. They hadn’t. I walked back through the compound, hoping I would run into her, and I walked in circles and circles and circles until I finally just went home. Why I was looking for her, I didn’t know, but I felt like I needed to tell her something, but I didn’t know what it was.
Of course, when I got home, my mom was already there, and she was worried about me. She thought I was asleep. So then I went to sleep.
What the significance of this story is, I don’t know. All I know is, the next day, I stopped logging my calorie intake.
Counting calories is a big weakness of mine. It still is today. I can’t delete the information from my brain – I know the calorie contents of a lot of foods. I can usually judge how much food there is by the size of the bowl, which is better, I think, for portion control. The point is, that night was the lowest point in my disorder, and the point is, that night was also the night I decided to do something about it.
So that’s that.
Good night.
**
I’m sorry about the mess of a post – I think it was just one of those brain-vomit pieces of writing that I tend to do. But I hope you understand what I’m saying. Because looking back on it, I kind of don’t, but I’m not going to edit it.
It is really brave of you to open up about your eating disorder. It’s hard to know what to say in these situations without coming off as fake or annoying or worrying that what you’re saying is totally wrong or offensive or whatever, but I sincerely am sorry about everything you’ve gone through and I’m glad that you’re getting better. I guess I really just wanted to comment to say that I REALLY appreciate how hard that must have been for you to write this, and that I admire you so much for being that brave. I hope things continue to get better for you. <3
That probably came out all wrong. :( Hopefully you get what I'm saying.
Thank you, Clem. I never know what to say about things like this, either, especially if I’ve had no personal experience with it. I know what you’re trying to say, and I thank you for that :]
I find in these situations, the best thing to do is take on the world in all it’s entirety, no matter how daunting it seems.
Take 300mg of caffeine pills, 2 paracetamol and proceed to shotgun as many energy drinks as possible.
The world is now your bitch.
I’d prefer coffee, never heard of paracetamol, and energy drinks? Pfft. Red Bull tastes like liquified gummy bears.
But honey… the world has always been my bitch. Just you wait. Ohhh, just you wait. ;D
Thank you so much for sharing all this, even though I know this kind of thing can be immensely hard. ED is such a struggle, and it can stick with you for years after you “recover”. Your Ah-ha! moment is a good one, though, and there will be others. You’re on the right road; just keep walking it and you’ll get there. Much, much love. <3
Thank you so much, Ellie Di. Your words mean a lot to me <3
You’re so brave Wei-Wei. I admire you for realizing and facing such a difficult matter. I’ve been quite delusional as well for these past two years because nothing worked out the way it had always worked out, and I blamed and lashed at everything around me, though deep down I know I am being a lazy coward.
Sorry if all that sounds cliche haha..
I am sure you’ll get through your eating disorder. Hope to see more lovely pictures and yummy recipes from you!
Sigh… aren’t we all delusional? But thank you. Nothing ever sounds cliche when it’s the truth :]
You’re a sexy wildebeest. Be proud of it girlie :)
*sexy wildebeest dance*
Hi Wei-Wei,
I’ve read your blog a few times before, but am only commenting for the first time. I hate to sound self-absorbed, but this post almost made me cry because I saw so much of what you said in myself. I am so happy for (and who am I kidding, jealous of) you for being able to identify those delusional voices, and at a much younger age than I was before I even knew they existed. I wish I had somebody, or maybe even a little beeper, to tell me now when my crazy voices start going haywire. Aiyah.
<3 Charlotte
Thank you, Charlotte! I’m so glad that you decided to comment. And you would never, ever sound self-absorbed commenting on a post like that. I believe that when I share my thoughts in near-full honesty, it reflects a lot of what people do think, and it makes me proud to know that I can empathise with you, and that you can empathise with me.
Don’t worry. That little beeper will come round soon. Maybe it has? My reply makes no sense at all. -.-
my comment cant do this post justice.
you just rocked my world.
thank you so much for sharing.
just keep working at it girl and you WILL succeed.
You rock MY world, Lauren! I’m glad you’re here and still reading :] <3